Monsters

I am starting to have random creepy dreams and emo thoughts running around in my brains again. How did this happen? I was so yeepie heepie two days ago. I guess there have been so many negative energy attacking me: Everybody is breaking up. People whine about their jobs. People talk shit about people. People who are hopelessly hopeless about their future after graduation.

Yesterday when I was walking home from a coffee shop, I saw this homeless old man standing outside of a burger place, staring into the windows, hoping to get some left overs on the table from the customers. My eyes couldn't leave the scene. I almost wanted to cry. Every nerves on my body tells me that I could do something, or SHOULD do something, buy a sandwich or something for him. But I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I don't know why I feel scared, or embarrass of doing so... but WHY? I just walked away like every person on the street, without doing anything. The difference is I gave him a glance, but most of them did not even know he was there.

I could not get that old man off of my mind when I got home. My hands and ears were still frozen from the snow. I made some tea, and changed in my warm pajamies. I just sat there with my green tea cup in hand, trying to feel like shit about myself, like how I did not do one fucking thing for that poor old man but sitting here on my leather sofa, with my fancy tea cup. Disgusting. Interestingly enough, I felt asleep feeling disgusted about myself, and people, in general, who could have done so much to their life, or to help others, but they choose not to; Instead, they whine about gazillions tiny little harmless, meaningless obstacles in their lives. That really is me I am talking about there. I whine and whine and whine about things, everything, when I have almost anything that I would possibly need or not.

I am also VERY scared of losing, in both competitive way or possessive way. There are not much of competition going on in the holidays. So I shifted my focus on worry about losing what seems so perfect and happy right now. I know anxiety is not gonna do me anything good. So I don't talk about it much. But hearing all these longggggggggggg dryyyyyyy emoooooo sadddddddd stories about my friends' break ups, I just couldn't help imagining what it would be like to me when all this seemingly perfect relationship (for now) goes to an end. Can I survive through the mental torture?

What's the point of being so desperate though. I almost don't know whether I should be grateful for what I have right now and stop worrying about the impossible-to-know future? or to worry about what happened to me before will happen again; Or things that I did to others would come back to me. Well, now when I put it out like this, it seems like the choice is obvious.

I am grateful for a man who is always holding my hands.

"May be ... may be we should be grateful. Grateful that we managed to survive all of our ... adventures; whether they are real, or only a dream..." - Eyes Wide Shut (1999)