One Time Weakling

So many things had happened since the last time I updated my blog. Every time when I start a new entry, I feel glad that although I am so lazy about blogging, I never give it up. Because there are so many things that I don't want to forget.

So Pitchfork was last weekend. It was my first Pitchfork and probably going to be my last. I bought my 3 day ticket, but I was only able to make it to the first day, and not even till the last band. I was escorted to the emergency tent by Alex, put on an oxygen mask, and then the ambulance and being speed to the hospital. I don't really want to think and talk about the details, because anything about the hospital makes me dizzy. I was diagnosed to have agoraphobia. I was shocked, but relieved at the same time. Because for so many years, I didn't know why I always feel low on oxygen or feeling nauseous in any concerts or festivals. Now the mystery is solved. I thought I would be cured immediately.

At Pitchfork Emergency Tent

However, the panic attack started again 2 days ago when I was in the subway station. We were suppose to go to a movie, but we returned home instead. I was really upset about it. For the first time, I feel like a coward. A real one. There is nothing wrong with me physically. Everything was in my brain. I made myself sick. I am scared of the subway?? Are you kidding me? I have so many places that I wanna go. I cannot afford to be fear of any kind of transportations.

I used to think that any kinda of phobia is non-sense. Just some people trying to be dramatic. I was so wrong. It is horrible to have a panic attack. Feels like a heart attack. It's scary. Since the attack happen in the subway station. I cannot stop thinking about it. All the time I am just being anxious that would happen again. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. Today morning it took me 2 hours to decide whether I should go get my cup of coffee. I went eventually. And I came home safe. But the whole way to the coffee shop, I was trying so hard to find things to distract me. It was only a 3 min. walk from my apartment to the coffee place. I felt like a hero when I returned home.

I hate it every time when Alex tease me saying that I am a weakling... So I am going to fight with this bullshit phobia.

I also feel bad for Alex because he had to give up the funs because of me. He was not able to watch Animal Collective or the movie that he always wanted to go to because of me. I feel like a bad person because of that...

Alex is in his colorado trip to visit his friend Grant. I sure feel weird and ... a little bit scared that he is not here ( GOD I AM SUCH A WEAKLING). But I will try to stay ...normal. I am going to have a get together with some friends tonight. And I hope I will arrive and return without any dramatic incidence. May be I will take a taxi.